My Thoughts, On Porn

On Porn

        and how it shaped & still shapes my sexuality                                                         not a story

I've never really been that into straight porn... If you follow this or my previous blog, you'll know that I identify myself as bisexual or fluid. I'm into both guys and girls. And I always have been for as long as I can remember. But I'm more so attracted to men. It's more of a visual/aesthetics thing. I love to look at & admire, and even touch a man's body. But I actually enjoy the physical act of sex more with women. I'm very much into the physical touch and intimacy that I can have with a man. But I find vaginal intercourse more sexually satisfying. And I find the female anatomy extremely magical. But there is a certain allure and attraction that the male body still has on me. So I find myself when looking for porn, venturing towards the gay section.

Now as far as porn goes, I know a lot of people, including a lot of gay men, find straight porn appealing. I don't! And I find it so odd to hear, especially so coming from gay men how great straight porn is to them. When that can't obviously be any of their fantasies [or realities]. I just don't get it. Like I said, I've just never really been too into it... And I guess the main reason is because, I just never find the people in them particularly that attractive. Especially not the women. And I love women.

I remember the first time I ever really accepted the idea that I might have a real sexual attraction to men. My bestfriend J and I had just turned 18 and just got our ID's that said so. And for some reason we were desperate to use them. But in actuality their aren't too many places that really care that you're 18, or even need to card you for that matter. So we decided to go to one of the only places that did care, a sex shop. And inside this shop, there were tons of sextoys, and porn flicks & magazines. But we in our newly "adult" minds were immediately drawn to the wall of porn dvds. And there had to be at least a thousand titles, all of which had incredibly graphic and explicit cover art. And as we explored the wall, and parsed out what our pornographic tastes were, I started to notice that most of the girls, to me at least, weren't that attractive. More than half of them were super skinny, with no boobs, and looked way younger than even we were, and not nearly as attractive. J told me that that was the thing. That that was what guys who watched porn were into. That that's the standard. Though we were the same age, J was far more experienced than I was in this arena. So I took her word for it. And yeah, J's a girl. But she was gay and way more experienced in all areas of sex than me, both gay and straight. I found out later on that she was actually quite fluid in her sexuality too, even back then. So much so that, she told me that throughout highschool she had the biggest crush on me, yet we chased girls together, and she was way more successful at it than I ever was. And furthermore, she's now since transitioned from female to male. So she's been all over the spectrum since the day I met her. But that day in the sex shop illuminated to me that I wasn't really into what the average "straight" male porn customer seemed to like so much. And I found myself being drawn in deeper and more aroused as we made our way to the gay section. At the time I played it off to J and acted like I wasn't phase, but I definitely got more out of  the gay porn than anything else. And I actually later on that day had sex with one of the three girls that I was actually dating at the time, but I had the mental images of those very hot, very gay, male porn stars in my head while I did it. And from then on, my go-to for porn has always been gay. Now the sub genres and physical types of the guys in the scenes have changed and evolved as I have, but it's always gay.

To me gay porn just seems so much more alluring and appealing, not to mention more taboo, especially for a black man. And they seem to have far more attractive "actors" as well. It seems to me that attractive guys are way more willing to do porn than their female counterparts. But I find that also alot of straight guys in porn aren't that hot either. It's like all the pretty boys and hunks go gay. Literally the guys you might see in hollywood movies or on tv, or in fashion magazines, or even the everyday guy that you see on the street and find attractive, their look is the type you'll probably find in any given gay porn. And even in the more amateur stuff, with real guys in it, the straight guys are far & few between, my actual type. The gay guys [top or bottom] are usually the ones that stand out to me. I feel like the average straight guys in porn are there because of their abs and their dicks alone, but the thing is, far more attractive guys, with abs and big dicks do gay porn. Maybe it's just subjective. Maybe it's just my tastes. Afterall beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Now this might sound sexist, but aside from mere appearance, to me, it also seems like a guy doing porn is more impressive. It's something that I think a guy could aspire to. That your body is so attractive, and your sex appeal and sexual talents are so on, that it has to be captured on film. I feel like most guys could never qualify to be a porn star, so like professional athletes, the ones that do qualify are apart of  an elite special group in my eyes. But when it comes to women in porn, I feel like the qualifications are limited to just their willingness to do it and a lot times their submission while doing it. And that just doesn't really come off too sexy to me. I think for most guys in porn, they do it because they can, because it boosts their egos to know that the world either wants them, or wants to be them. But for women, I feel like they do it because they have to. Whether it's the only way they feel they can make money, or if they just need more positive, usually male attention. I feel like the willingness of  pornstars is different when it comes to men and women. Men are willing, and seemingly happy to do it. But I don't feel like the women in porn really enjoy it too much. So that almost makes me completely disconnect from most women in porn. But there are those rare amateur videos, of maybe a real couple, just enjoy themselves, and the woman actually is very attractive, and thick in the right places, and my type. But like I said, that's rare. But I will say, when I do watch amateur porn, it's usually straight, and for the women.

Now as far as my introduction into porn, it came in three phases. I'm not so sure which one of these moments happened first, but all three happened when I was around 12 or 13. I may explore these further in their own more erotic retelling, but for now I'll keep it short and sweet.

First, like most of us, at some point in our childhood, a thick Columbia House envelope addressed to resident, made it's way into our mailboxes. And of course, any kid was excited to go through the vast selections of cds and movies, and rip out the stickers to their favorites in the hopes that their parents just might one day purchase a few. Afterall they were just 1 cents an album. [check the fine print]. And at my house, mail from Columbia House was an all too familiar occurrence. And on rare occasion I actually was able to talk my mom into indulging me with a few titles. But one day we received mail, though similar, but not quite from the record and disc club.

So I have an Uncle, James. He was one of my mother's younger brothers. And he was a peculiar, weird, illusive type of guy. Not a bad guy, just a bit weird. He actually used to take me to the park all the time when I was a kid and I loved hanging out with him. He was actually my favorite of all my Uncles. But one day he just suddenly vanished. Noone heard from him for months. His girlfriend, who was also my godmother and my mother's bestfriend, didn't even know where he was. And at some point my family even got the police involved. But it turned out that he just up & randomly left town, without even saying a word. But after a while he started sending letters, and postcards, and calling to check in. And he seemed to be doing alright. And he even came back home a few times to visit. But he'd never stay in town very long. And now he just kinda travels from place to place around the country at random, doing god knows what. I'd say he was a government spy or something, if I didn't know him to be such a flake, and somewhat of a fuck up before he left, and not particularly that bright. And till this day still noone knows exactly why he originally left. And he never keeps the same phone number for more than a few months, maybe a year. So we can never really reach him. But he always checks in, and even sends pictures. But around the time I was 12 or 13, he started having his mail sent to our house. And my mom was okay with keeping it safe for him until he decided to pop up again. And that's when his porn came in the mail.

It was literally a large thick envelope, ala Columbia House, that had "offers inside" written all over it. It didn't seem like it was anything important, or outside the usual cd, dvd, random trinket junk mail, that everyone usually gets anyway. So when I saw it, it was fair game to my childhood curiosity. But boy when I took it upstairs to my room, it sparked a whole new type of curiosity in me.

When I opened the envelope, small little pamphlet sized, three or four page, porn magazines popped out. And there were all kinds: straight, gay, playboy, playgirl, hustler, girl on girl scenes, guy on guy, there was even a bi threesome scene. And it all blew my mind. Literally I had never seen porn before. I had never seen anything sexually rated more than PG. And these promotional pamphlets were XXX full on sex scenes. I had never seen a full naked women before. I had never seen a naked man before, outside of my dad & my brother in changing rooms. But definitely nothing like the explicit images in that envelope. I found myself, very much comparing my body to the body's of the men in those magazines. Maybe a little too much. And it so happened that around that same time I also started masturbating. It was usually just to like my mom's Victoria Secret catalogs, or something super tame like that. But now I had the real thing. Real Porn. And I kept those things & wore them out, until I was around 16 and we got internet in our house, and I discovered a whole new type of sweet depravity.

Now the second phase of my porn awakening was a bit weirder, to say the least. Around this same time, my parents had bought me my very own dvd player. And this was back in the early 2000s, so the set up wasn't that spectacular. You had to literally put your tv on either channel 3 or line, depending on your device and tv. Sometimes one or the other worked better. But it seemed like neither worked perfectly. Especially not to the standards we have today. But for back then it was pretty rough too. Neither device was exactly top of the line. And if you weren't careful, or if you were even too careful, you might pick up someone else's signal. And one night, I picked up an amazing signal.

I don't know if I was turning the dvd player on or off, but somehow, I wasn't watching Next Friday anymore. Suddenly a scene flashes on my screen. There's this big buff black guy, pretty tall, muscular, with a Guri Curl, and he's in the gym working out. And then this blond sex bomb type walks in and she starts working out too. They're both in the standard revealing 80's spandex workout regalia. But then suddenly the blond loses control and gets stuck under her weight bar. And here comes the muscle bond black guy to save her. And he does. And she's so appreciative, that she shows her thanks by giving him a blowjob. And when I tell you this guy's dick was huge. And the ease at which she sucked on it just blew my mind. And then they ended up fucking in different positions on the weight bench and then the floor. And then just like that, as he's taking her from behind, the illusive and boner killing blue screen appeared. And I tried my hardest to get it back. I retraced my every step. Did everything I could think of for almost three days. But to no avail, I never got it back. But that scene, is one that is definitely imprinted deep in my sexual mind.

Now the third phase, I had more direct help, so to speak. And it was damn near a conspiracy made for a Dan Brown novel... So my bestfriend in 6th grade Kiaro had 3 brothers. One of which was a year younger than us, King. One brother two years older named Khalil. And there was another that I only met once, who was grown and away at college. I never learned his name. But anyway, the summer after six grade I spent a lot of time with Kiaro and the two younger of his brothers. I spent damn near everyday with them. I was either at their house, or they were at mine. And more than not we were all together running the streets, getting into trouble. But never the kind of trouble that made it's way home. Just childish hi-jinx. So we all for the most part had a pretty great summer. And I had become like the fourth [or fifth] brother.

Well anyway, there was a tape. A tape of infamy. And all the boys in our middle school wanted a taste of it. But only few actually got the chance to. It was a porno. And from what I hear, it had been past down from Kiaro's dad. Now the video was super old, at least from the early 90s, maybe 80s. But it was a video that all the boys in our school relished to take a look at, from grade to grade. It started off with Kiaro's oldest brother, who had found their dad's stash of porn, and snuck this one away to his room where he'd watch it from time to time. But when he left for college he left it behind, and one day Khalil found it. And from then on it became a thing of legend. A holy secret among us middle school boys. The pornographic holy grail.

Khalil started off just watching it himself. Then he ended up showing it to a few of the guys in his grade. Even letting a few hold it over night, so they could enjoy it all to themselves. But he was selective with who he let get a peak of the tape. Only his inner circle was privy. And I and his younger brothers weren't yet on that list. But everything changed that summer.

At some point Kiaro and King actually found the tape. Khalil had been hiding it behind a loose ceiling tile in their basement, which was kind of our hangout at the time. Not such a smart move. But even less smart, the last time he showed it to some of his friends, he forgot to put the tile all the way back in place. So of course his crafty little brothers found it. And they watched it. And they were amazed. They stumbled their way into the inner circle. And Khalil, seeing that he was beat, just gave up and let them be apart of the holy inter-sanctum. But of course with the promise that they wouldn't show it to anyone else. And they agreed. They kept the tape hidden, and they kept it secret. But like I said, I had spent so much time with those guys, that I had literally become like the forth brother. So not even maybe two days after they saw it, Kiaro and King couldn't wait to show me, despite promising Khalil that they wouldn't.

So I went over to their house one day, like I usually did. And they were just so excited for me to see what they had found in the basement. So we go in the basement. They grab me a chair and tell me to sit right in front of the tv. They sat on either side of me. And immediately I knew what it was. "Is this the tape" I said in amazement. They told me to just sat back and watch. And I did. They put the tape on and bam, there it was....

It started off with this cooky looking black women peaking through a window. And she was watching this white couple 69. And then another woman pops up behind her, a friend. This woman was white. But they both seemed to be super into peeping on this couple. And then the cameras zoomed outside, to the women actually starting to play with themselves as they watched the couple. Then a black guy walks in from the other room, and joins the couple. And starts going down on the lady as well, taking turns with the white guy. Then while the two women outside are pleasuring themselves they start moaning, drawing attention to themselves. So the black guy gets up and goes to the door and makes them come in. Then its an all out orgy. Everybody's sucking and licking and fucking everybody...

So then I looked over and both Kiaro and King had their hands in their pants and were jerking off.  And right in front of me. And then they acted like I was the weird one. They were like "man you're not horny". And I was. But I was still trying to take it all in. And then seeing them jerking off was a whole new element to it all. And then just as I said fuck it and started to pull my own dick out, here comes Khalil down the basement stairs.

He was furious that his little brothers were showing me the tape, right after he had just told them not to. But there wasn't really much he could do about it. So he said fuck it, and he went and locked the basement door and came back and joined us. So we all sat there, the four of us, in our own chairs, in our own little corners of the basement, and jerked off together to the infamous orgy tape.

Then for the next few months, whenever we got a chance, the four of us would sneak off to the basement and share a little circle jerk. Now we never actually saw each other's dicks or anything, we always covered ourselves, but it was still a hell of an experience. And then in the fall, when Khalil went off to highschool, he left the tape and the secret in our hands. And like Khalil had done before us, we shared the tape along to our friends, but only to the select few that we deemed worthy. We literally developed this weird little middle school fraternity built around an old porn tape. And it was fun and amazing. But by the time we all made to high school, with the internet, and hell our lack of interest in that same old tape, our little freaky preteen middle school porn fraternity was dead. But it was fun while it lasted. And it was all of our first foray into porn, and into our sexuality.

And for me it was really the first time I realized that I was quite fluid in my sexuality. And that I knew that I would always be willing to explore that, alone, or with friends.

Now I'd be considered a Bear or a Muscle Bear, maybe a cub depending on the age of the guy I'm with. But that's pretty much my type. I like bigger guys. North of 200lbs, muscled, hairy, I'm not advert to a gut. I have a gut. I like guys that are more on the masculine side. Physically strong, powerful, but super laidback and chill disposition. I've never been too big on the flashy flamboyant type. I like guys that take a more passionate romantic approach to sex. Just dicking and dicking is not the way to go. I can't stand an uber aggressive guy. Now when it comes to women. Obviously I go for beauty. I love a woman with a pretty face. Nice breast, suckable nipples [same goes for a guys]. I love women that have thick voluptuous thighs. And pretty feet. And when it comes to porn or even my personal sex life, this is the standard I look for. Not all the things. But a good balance of these things turn me on. And typically when I write, these are the sexual figures that pop into my head, and illuminate my pages. My pickiness and the specificity of my tastes when it comes to sex, I think is what makes my stories so great, and come to life. I ultimately write my stories for me. I write what I want to see. Whether it's in real life, or on a movie screen, or even in a porn scene. This is what inspires me sexually. This is what moves me to share with you all. I write the experiences I want see & have, and sometimes already have had,  lived, and relived. This blog is my porn and my sexuality. Which are mutually exclusive. And I just hope you all enjoy it, everytime you decide to choose one of my stories to read.